In Relationships
One of the main facts of life that we all have to learn is that our happiness depends on the quality of our relationships. We do not thrive in isolation. Having good relationships with intimates, friends, family, and coworkers—with everyone we meet and interact with—is necessary if we are to be happy and fulfilled.

Our relationships are also a bellwether of our emotional and spiritual health: the degree to which we can have healthy, growing relationships mirrors the degree of our psychological functioning as well as our spiritual maturity. It is very difficult for a demanding, fearful, grasping person to have satisfying relationships, whereas a gracious, accepting, and compassionate person most often does. Our own Level of Development (which measures our degree of awareness, nonattachment, and freedom from destructive reactions) is the surest gauge of our ability to have and sustain relationships—and to give as well as receive in them.

The Enneagram can help us become much clearer about our relationship values, expectations, communication and argument styles, thinking and decision patterns, ways of resolving conflicts, fears, defenses, and various coping mechanisms—to name just a few of the elements that affect relationships. These apply to marriage, friendships, and professional relationships—to all kinds of interactions. Each personality type thinks differently, has different values and approaches, and wants different things in a relationship. Furthermore, beginning in the average Levels, each type has its own set of issues that make compatibility with other types either more or less difficult. The compatibility strengths and weaknesses for all 45 combinations of types can be described for each (for example, we can talk about what issues Fours and Ones will have, as well as those for Fours and Twos, Fours and Threes, and so forth for all type combinations.)

Good relationships depend on our being able to understand ourselves and others, to see our own needs and the needs of others, and to accept the legitimacy of others' viewpoint while expressing our own. In short, we must be able to treat others as we wish to be treated, even if we have not been treated so well in the past ourselves. Our relationships therefore become the opportunity to revisit the past and to transform ourselves according to more conscious choices in the present.

Click here for more on relationships, including descriptions of the 45 type compatibilities.

In Parenting
What needs to be said right away in any discussion of parenting is that parents do not create a child's personality type. All Enneagram teachers and researchers agree that personality type is built on temperament and that, in ways we do not fully understand, this is inborn. A child comes into the world with his or her personality type already determined by prenatal events, although we do not know what all of these are. There are theories that type is determined by genetics, by in utero events, by the emotional state of the mother, or even by past lives and the need for a soul to be a certain type to learn the lessons of that type. But the truth is, we really do not know all of the causes of type.

This is not to say that early family conditions and parental influences are not important: far from it. While they do not cause type, they highly influence how emotionally healthy or unhealthy a child becomes. A child who is fortunate enough to be born into a family of well-balanced parents will start life as a relatively healthy example of his or her type. Conversely, a child who is born into a relatively dysfunctional family will have to close down his natural openness, spontaneity, and vitality and need to erect defenses against the various forms of violation that exist in the family. In the authors' terms, one child will be at a healthier Level of Development, while the second child will grow up at a substantially lower, unhealthier, Level. Hence, the second child will have more emotional challenges than the first child.

In short, parenting does count—not to produce a personality type, but to influence how healthy a child of that type will be. It is therefore not difficult to see that when parents work on themselves through psychospiritual tools such as the Enneagram, they are not only doing something good for themselves, they are making possible one of the greatest gifts they could give their children—an emotionally healthy childhood and a happier future. Parents who help their child develop self-esteem, emotional stability, open curiosity, trust in self, an enjoyment of life, strength and self-confidence, easiness with themselves, the ability to regulate themselves, and empathy for self and others (qualities found in the nine types) set the stage for the development of all of their child's potentials and future accomplishments.

One of the most useful areas for parents to become aware of is the differences of fit between themselves and their children. Not every child will be an easy fit for every parent. If two parents are highly energetic, sociable, and extroverted, and their child is quiet, serious, and reserved, the fit between the parents and the child can become strained. The child may unconsciously feel that he or she is a disappointment to the parents, which can cause serious emotional difficulties for the child. The parents might try to manipulate or pressure the child to be more like them. Or they might feel guilty or inadequate for not understanding their child—or even for not completely liking and enjoying their child.

Differences of fit between parents and children can become more clearly understood with the Enneagram. This is not to say that understanding alone will be enough to undo any potential problems. But without insight and understanding there can be no solution to problems. Above all, parents need to see their children not as their possessions to be molded according to their own emotional needs but as independent beings who have their own value and are worthy of being treated with dignity and respect.

The following chart indicates a few of the major expectations of each type of parent toward their children, no matter what type their children may actually be. Being aware of these unconscious expectations and not allowing yourself to manipulate your children into having to measure up to them will go a long way toward improving parent-child relationships.

 *Information on each of the nine Riso-Hudson type names  and related Enneagram concepts are from the
Enneagram Institute © Copyright 1998-2008.  All rights reserved.  Used with Permission.    For the Very Best information available on the Enneagram go to www.enneagraminstitute.com

What Parents Expect from Their Children
Type One		May demand self-control, reasonable		Inspirational Quotes... The best gifts are those which expect no return. Norwegian Proverb A candle loses nothing of its light by lighting another candle James Keller